Monday, August 3, 2015

Fandom Classics Part 121: I'd Do Her

To read the story, click the image or follow this link

My cat likes to sprawl up against my legs, but he's faced a conundrum as of late: it's warm in the summer, he's got a fur coat, and pressing up against my leg means he gets too hot.  His solution?  He sits near my feet, and stretches out his paws until they're just barely touching my leg.  It's close enough for him, I guess.

He's sprawled down there as I type this, if you were wondering.  Anyway, go down below the break to get my review of Fire Gazer the Alchemist's I'd Do Her.

Impressions before reading:  Despite what I took the coverart to suggest, the implication from the description is that Rainbow is the one who would "do her," and that Rarity's the one put off by this.  Either way, though, that sounds like a decent comedic setup.  Also, the lack of a Romance tag probably means this won't turn out to be the kind of story where they both realize by the end that they're perfect for one another, which is frankly kind of refreshing; I've read a lot of shipping stories with (what appears to be) this basic premise, and having the ponies not get together at the end feels like it's practically a subversion at this point.

Zero-ish spoiler summary:  Rainbow and Applejack are trading dares, when Rainbow gets a little too "descriptive" about what she'd do to Rarity... while Rarity's standing right behind her.  This gives Applejack the perfect idea for Dash's next challenge.

Thoughts after reading:  I don't have a lot to say about this story, unfortunately; it is what it is, and what it is is juvenile.

"Juvenile" is a loaded word, of course, so that's going to require some unpacking.  What I mean by that is that the joke here is the ponies being raunchy, swearing, and (as Dash, in the story, would put it) "acting like bitches"... and that's it.  There are plenty of fanfics that use sexuality, crudeness, or petty malice to expand upon their characters.  There are plenty more that use them as a form of comedic deconstruction; a look at what the characters we all know might be like in circumstances and settings which can't exist in a show for little girls.  This story, on the other hand, belongs to the category of writing which treats those things as ends unto themselves.  So when I say the story is juvenile, what I mean is "the purpose of this story is to be about Rainbow Dash trying to have sex with Rarity on a dare, while she (and other ponies) are constantly put into uncomfortable situations to which they respond with vulgarity and insults."

I don't deny that this is a vibrant category of fiction (and not just fanfiction), nor one that a lot of people--especially teenage boys (hey, I was one not too long ago) find perfectly entertaining on its own merits.  I think it's fair to say, though, that the "character-destruction-as-an-end-unto-itself" style of storytelling is one with a rather narrow spectrum of appeal, and one that most people outside of that narrow spectrum tend to find it not just to be outside of their interests, but actively tasteless.

With that in mind, it feels like a waste to talk about anything else.  I could say that the story is well-edited, but full of telly descriptors and the occasional awkward saidism... but I can't imagine that knowing that will convince anyone who was going to read the story based on the first two paragraphs not to, nor persuade anyone who'd been planning to give this a pass to try it on for size.  I could mention that large parts of the story seem to be entirely arbitrary, both in their in-story occurrence and their role (or lack thereof) in advancing the narrative... but again, is that going to change anyone's mind about reading or not reading?  In the end, it all comes back to that one word: juvenile.

Star rating:

If you think there's intrinsic humor in three ponies having a conversation about Rainbow Dash that centers around the repeated use of the phrase "she'll scream like a bitch," then by all means, enjoy this story and don't let me throw a wet blanket on that enjoyment.

Recommendation:  Look, I think I've been pretty clear up to this point, but in case you just skipped down to the recommendation, here it is one more time: this is the kind of story that will probably appeal to the immature at heart (no shame in that; some of my best friends are immature at heart (and some of them would say I am, too)) who are looking for some crudeness and g-rated bawdiness.  For anyone else, this is unlikely to be worth reading.

Next time:  The Price of Grace, by Sparkle


  1. Well, it's good to know I called this one correctly from the get-go. I am confused, however, about why you reviewed it to begin with. Was it really popular enough among the landfill of similar stories to merit that much attention? Were you deceived by someone else's words of praise? Or... or were you forced to review it against your will?

    Are you able to speak freely? If yes, then say yes. If no, then say yes, but blink twice. Say that you're blinking though, because I can't actually see through the internet. Don't you worry, buddy. I've handled hostage situations before. Not that I'm a cop or anything. Rest assured, you're gonna be okay!

    1. 12,820 views, 1881 up-votes.

      McDonald's hamburgers are utter crap, but if you want to get rich selling food, a McD franchise is about a thousand times more likely to succeed than a 5-star restaurant.

    2. Hey, McDonald's is... edible. Not much reason to buy from them, since there's always a BK nearby, and those are ten times better, but sometimes I crave their fries. Actually, I like the Bacon Clubhouse Burger and the McWraps too... and I've eaten 30 McNuggets in one sitting multiple times, so clearly I like those...

      Yeah, I'm a fatty

    3. I've eaten the same meal at McDonalds every Saturday of my life like clockwork, so I think I have you beat. I blame America for this, because my poor decisions are never my own fault. At least, that's what the internet tells me.

    4. If you people are still using McDonald's as a metaphor for crappy fanfiction then I am very confused.

    5. But so much depends on where you are. Wendy's is nationwide, if without the concentration of either McDonald's or Burger King, but is there really an excuse for choosing either over Wendy's? And if you're in the Midwest and have a few extra minutes, come on, Culver's!

    6. I had a really bad experience with Wendy's back in college (my chocolate shake was spoiled), which led to me avoiding it until this year's TrotCon, when I went with Bad Horse. I got to be his sugar daddy! :3

      Kewpee's better than Wendy's, though

    7. To go ALL THE WAY BACK to SV's original comment: This story, like most (not all, but most) of the ones I review for Fandom Classics, was recommended to me. Y'all should recommend me better stories, if you don't like the ones I'm reviewing!