To read the story, click the image or follow this link
My cat likes to sprawl up against my legs, but he's faced a conundrum as of late: it's warm in the summer, he's got a fur coat, and pressing up against my leg means he gets too hot. His solution? He sits near my feet, and stretches out his paws until they're just barely touching my leg. It's close enough for him, I guess.
He's sprawled down there as I type this, if you were wondering. Anyway, go down below the break to get my review of Fire Gazer the Alchemist's I'd Do Her.
Impressions before reading: Despite what I took the coverart to suggest, the implication from the description is that Rainbow is the one who would "do her," and that Rarity's the one put off by this. Either way, though, that sounds like a decent comedic setup. Also, the lack of a Romance tag probably means this won't turn out to be the kind of story where they both realize by the end that they're perfect for one another, which is frankly kind of refreshing; I've read a lot of shipping stories with (what appears to be) this basic premise, and having the ponies not get together at the end feels like it's practically a subversion at this point.
Zero-ish spoiler summary: Rainbow and Applejack are trading dares, when Rainbow gets a little too "descriptive" about what she'd do to Rarity... while Rarity's standing right behind her. This gives Applejack the perfect idea for Dash's next challenge.
Thoughts after reading: I don't have a lot to say about this story, unfortunately; it is what it is, and what it is is juvenile.
"Juvenile" is a loaded word, of course, so that's going to require some unpacking. What I mean by that is that the joke here is the ponies being raunchy, swearing, and (as Dash, in the story, would put it) "acting like bitches"... and that's it. There are plenty of fanfics that use sexuality, crudeness, or petty malice to expand upon their characters. There are plenty more that use them as a form of comedic deconstruction; a look at what the characters we all know might be like in circumstances and settings which can't exist in a show for little girls. This story, on the other hand, belongs to the category of writing which treats those things as ends unto themselves. So when I say the story is juvenile, what I mean is "the purpose of this story is to be about Rainbow Dash trying to have sex with Rarity on a dare, while she (and other ponies) are constantly put into uncomfortable situations to which they respond with vulgarity and insults."
I don't deny that this is a vibrant category of fiction (and not just fanfiction), nor one that a lot of people--especially teenage boys (hey, I was one not too long ago) find perfectly entertaining on its own merits. I think it's fair to say, though, that the "character-destruction-as-an-end-unto-itself" style of storytelling is one with a rather narrow spectrum of appeal, and one that most people outside of that narrow spectrum tend to find it not just to be outside of their interests, but actively tasteless.
With that in mind, it feels like a waste to talk about anything else. I could say that the story is well-edited, but full of telly descriptors and the occasional awkward saidism... but I can't imagine that knowing that will convince anyone who was going to read the story based on the first two paragraphs not to, nor persuade anyone who'd been planning to give this a pass to try it on for size. I could mention that large parts of the story seem to be entirely arbitrary, both in their in-story occurrence and their role (or lack thereof) in advancing the narrative... but again, is that going to change anyone's mind about reading or not reading? In the end, it all comes back to that one word: juvenile.
If you think there's intrinsic humor in three ponies having a conversation about Rainbow Dash that centers around the repeated use of the phrase "she'll scream like a bitch," then by all means, enjoy this story and don't let me throw a wet blanket on that enjoyment.
Recommendation: Look, I think I've been pretty clear up to this point, but in case you just skipped down to the recommendation, here it is one more time: this is the kind of story that will probably appeal to the immature at heart (no shame in that; some of my best friends are immature at heart (and some of them would say I am, too)) who are looking for some crudeness and g-rated bawdiness. For anyone else, this is unlikely to be worth reading.
Next time: The Price of Grace, by Sparkle