Monday, March 24, 2014

How to Write a Horribly Offensive Sadfic

I tried to sit down and write my next review on Sunday, but I wasn't quite there yet.  Instead, I ended up typing this out.  It's a lot more passive-aggressive than I usually am--than I like to be--but I'm going to go ahead and post it anyway, because the fact is, I don't really disagree with the meat of what I wrote.  The presentation, maybe, but not the facts.

Anyway, I'm feeling somewhat better now, but if you want to hear my thoughts on where sad stories cross the line from bad to offensive, click below.



The key to writing a truly terrible sad story is to turn off your brain.  Really, it's as simple as that!  But you didn't come here for generalities, did you?  No, let's delve into some specific terrible decisions you can make:



1)  Write a story which has no purpose or intent other than to evoke sadness in the reader

Ask yourself: when's the last time you've heard someone say "Boy, I can't seem to stop being cheerful today!  I wish something would come along and darken my mood," or "I've been in a good mood all day; I really need to find something that'll leave me depressed and gloomy?"  Never?  That's because people like being happy, and don't like being sad.

There are lots of good reasons to include sad stuff in a story.  There are even a lot of good reasons to want your story to make the reader sad, most having to do with either creating a cathartic environment in which the sadness transmogrifies to relief, or using that sadness to make a point or encourage the reader to think about something which you've built up to in your story.  But when it comes to "terrible idea," you really can't do any better than "try to inflict misery upon my readers just for the hell of it."



2)  Have no idea what you're writing about--and don't bother trying to figure out

Have you ever had someone close to you unexpectedly pass away?  Have you ever watched someone you love slowly succumb to dementia?  Have you ever experienced depression firsthand--not just "sadness," but the overwhelming hopelessness which you can't "just get over," which robs you of all energy and passion for life?

No?  Good--I hope you never do... but hey, don't let that stop you from writing about it, right?  I mean, you're already writing about talking horses--it's not like you need to have personally met Rainbow Dash in order to tell a story about her.  You can write about death, and depression, sexual abuse, war... all that horrible stuff, with just a little imagination!

But not too much imagination.  I mean, sure, you could try--really try--to imagine what it must be like to lose a loved one.  You could read up on Alzheimer's and other degenerative mental disorders.  You could put a little effort in.

But if you did that, you might end up writing something genuine.  Something sincere.  Something, dare I say, worth reading.  Instead, there's an easier route...



3)  Parrot actions and dialogue without any comprehension

People cry when they're sad, right?  Well, have your characters cry when something sad happens.  That was easy!  If you need to gussy it up a bit, either opt for a direct statement of mood ("He cried with sadness" is a classic!) or a metaphor which makes plain your unfamiliarity with the emotion your character is feeling.  Don't worry about putting a lot of effort in, here.  You've already written a sad situation, so the characters' moods are a given.  Really, just remember to say that they're sobbing every once in a while, and you're clear on that front.

The same theory applies to what those characters say.  People say things like "He's in a better place" and "She loved you so much" at funerals, right?  You should probably have someone comfort a grieving character that way, then.  And that character will definitely feel all better after such a meaningful pep-talk--that's why you say those things, isn't it?  Whatever the setting, there are sure to be some stock phrases associated with it (or scenes--what war fic would be complete without a dying soldier making an ellipsis-filled last request of the protagonist?).  Definitely use those, without any consideration for how or why you're using them.



4)  Give complex emotions simple resolutions

This one's pretty self-explanatory.  Why is your character sad?  Let's fix it!  Remember, if somebody's upset, there's one single reason why they are--and once that single reason has been addressed, they will no longer be sad.  That's how feelings work, right?  They're basically an on/off switch, and all it ever takes to get back to normal is a few hundred words of exposition coupled with those hoary cliches from #3.  Then it's back to normal!



5)  Sweeping generalizations are your friend

This might be the most important one.  After all, it's not enough to write a tone-deaf paean to an emotional situation with which you have no personal or even hypothetical familiarity.  If you really want to be offensive, you should make all sorts of broad, sweeping statements about emotions and how we deal with them.  The goal here is to make sure that your story implies that anyone who doesn't react the same way your characters do--anyone who doesn't communicate only in leaden truisms, and who isn't an emotional automaton--is wrong.  That there's something wrong with the way they grieve, or how they see the world, or maybe that they're just weak-willed or don't take enough personal responsibility to get over their issues.

Put it all together, and you have the recipe for a perfect, horribly offensive sadfic.

13 comments:

  1. So... about 99% of stuff that has the "Sad" tag on fimfic? I can send you a list of these.

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  2. 'Ask yourself: when's the last time you've heard someone say "Boy, I can't seem to stop being cheerful today! I wish something would come along and darken my mood," or "I've been in a good mood all day; I really need to find something that'll leave me depressed and gloomy?"'

    I actually asked people to recommend some stories that would emotionally crush me, once. While I'm not completely certain, I think it was because I was trying to write a sadfic at the time and wanted to get into the mood more. I figured it would be a lot easier to put myself in a character's shoes if I was already halfway there, regardless of the reason.

    I don't remember if I actually went anywhere with whatever story that was, but I do remember people acting baffled when I asked in IRC, heh.

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  3. "Gee golly gosh gloriosky," thought Twilight Sparkle as she stepped into Celestia's School for Magical Unicorns. "Here I am, the youngest unicorn in the school - only 15 and a half seasons old."

    Princess Celestia came up to her. "Oh, Twilight, I love you madly. Will you come to bed with me?"

    "Princess! I am not that kind of girl!"

    "You're right, and I respect you for it. Here, take over the school for a minute while I go get some coffee for us."

    Princess Luna entered the classroom. "What are you doing in charge, Twilight?"

    "Princess Celestia told me to."

    "Flawlessly logical. I admire your mind."

    ----

    Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Shining Armor, Princess Cadence flew with Twilight Sparkle to Gildesdale. There, they were captured by buffalo and thrown into prison. In a moment of weakness, Twilight admitted to Princess Luna she, too, would become an alicorn in a later season. Recovering quickly, she sprung the lock with the strip on her mane and they got all the way back to the chariot.

    ----

    But back in Canterlot, Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle found out that the princesses who flew to Gildesdale were stricken by the jumping cold robbies, Twilight less so. While the three princesses languished in Sick Bay, Twilight Sparkle ran Equestria, and ran it so well she received the Naybel Peace Prize, the Equestrian Order of Gallantry, and the Canterlotian Award of Good Ponyhood.

    ----

    However, the disease finally got her, and she fell ill. In the sick bay as she breathed her last, she was surrounded by Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Shining Armor, and Cadence, all weeping unashamedly at the loss of her beautiful youth and youthful beauty, intelligence, capability, and all around niceness. Even to this day, her birthday is a national holiday of Celestia's school.

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    Replies
    1. >sick bay

      I can't. This is beautiful.

      Delete
    2. ' "Flawlessly logical. I admire your mind." '

      This story is amazing on so many levels.

      Delete
  4. There, their, they're. Breathe deep. Have some warm milk and a cookie.

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  5. Passive-aggressive though it may be, this was insanely entertaining and caused me to laugh out loud quite a bit. I wouldn't mind more rants like this.

    Part of me wants to know what brought this on, and the other part of me is shaming the first part with refrains of "Mom taught you better than that."

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    Replies
    1. I can't shake the feeling that this journal is your (and potentially my) fault. :B

      Delete
    2. I just want to offer the disclaimer that the "John Perry Suffers the Featured Box" series is in no way legally responsible for the suffering of others.

      Delete
    3. Oh dear... It seems Chris has swallowed quite the bitter pill in having to review the next fic.

      Delete
    4. >I just want to offer the disclaimer that the "John Perry Suffers the Featured Box" series is in no way legally responsible for the suffering of others.

      And I am the Queen of the Faeries!

      Delete
  6. I don't quite agree that making people feel sad for its own sake is a bad thing. Some people deliberately go to watch tearjerker movies or read sad stories for no more purpose than their own form of entertainment. It's just a different flavour of experience, like the people who watch gory films for the sake of the horror and the blood. Granted, that's no excuse for being stupid about it or for making mistakes some research on the subject could easily fix, and it's certainly no excuse for being insensitive. On the other hand, you're coming across as dictating that "people should enjoy ice cream for higher reasons, like calming down after a stressful moment or to remember some key bit of childhood wisdom activated by memories of eating ice cream". What's wrong with just letting some people enjoy ice cream for its own sake?

    "There are even a lot of good reasons to want your story to make the reader sad, most having to do with either creating a cathartic environment in which the sadness transmogrifies to relief,"

    People still think the catharsis theory is true? Why? There's no evidence in support of it.

    ReplyDelete