6-Star Reviews Part 75: Past Sins

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Yup, it's time for another one of the fandom's heaviest hitters.  Not that anyone reading this probably doesn't have their own opinion about this story already, but why not throw my two cents in anyway?  Below the break, my review of Pen Stroke's Past Sins.

Impressions before reading:  Past Sins is arguably the best-known fanfic which this fandom has produced, and is also perhaps the most divisive.  A glance at the most recent comments on its EQD page reveals praise such as "If there's ever a MLP movie, I want it based off of this story," and "This is the greatest thing I have ever read," and a scan through the other comments reveals that these are in no way uncommon sentiments.  On the other hand, it's not exactly hard to find descriptions of the story more along these lines: "Past Sins has a laundry list of OOC moments, plotholes and weak writing, both technical and stylistic."  Clearly, saying that opinions on this piece are mixed would be an understatement.

Given how famous and talked-about this story is, it may surprise you to know that I've never read it in whole or in part, and honestly don't know more about it than "it has Nightmare Moon as a filly named Nyx being raised by Twilight."  The initial EqD post didn't draw me in (I, like many readers, often wait until a story is completed before checking it out unless something really stands out to me), and around the time it underwent its first revision, the hype around it had become so massive that I started tuning everything about it out.  So that was pretty much the last time I paid any mind to anything Past Sins related, until this review.

Speaking of revisions, this story's undergone at least two major ones, and the scuttlebutt is that it'll be getting another soon to bring it into line with season two.  I'm no fan of making substantial changes to a story post-publication; I think it shows disrespect to those readers who read the story pre-revision, and tells me that the author didn't care enough about their experience to wait until s/he was happy with the story before putting it out for public consumption (and although I know that some readers don't have a high tolerance for stories which have been jossed by subsequent episodes, I can't shake the feeling that continually trying to bring one's story into line with canon is at best a waste of time, and at worst an exercise in futility).  Nevertheless, I'll be reviewing the current iteration, and all of my commentary will be based on such.  If this season two version comes out, I'll check it and see if the only changes are a few names and places (which presumably wouldn't impact anything I say here) or if more substantial alterations have been made.  In the latter case, I'll probably make a note of those changes here, but I won't go back and alter my review.

UPDATE (August 2012):  The new revision has indeed come out!  I've only skimmed through it, but I found nothing at a glance-through that invalidates this review.  Most of the changes were names, character backgrounds, and some light editing (though the problems on that front which I mentioned still remain; they just appear a bit less pervasive, from what I saw).  If you've read the revised version and noticed some major change which I ought to mention, please e-mail me and let me know; otherwise, I think we're good.

Zero-ish spoiler summary:  Princess Celestia and her guards intervene in a mysterious cult's attempts to restore Nightmare Moon, this time as a being independent of Luna.  The ceremony is disturbed but, unbeknownst to all those involved, the cult's efforts are a partial success.  And when Twilight finds a lost, scared filly hiding in the Everfree Forest, she decides to take it in and care for it herself.

Thoughts after reading:  Let's start with the obvious: Past Sins in its present form is neither as sublimely perfect nor as offensively awful as the most strident voices among its readership might have you believe.  As for whether it was offensively awful in its first iteration, I leave that up to those who read it then.  Moving on.

The next most obvious thing: like any good story by Pen Stroke, this one has some links: musical links for ambiance (which I dislike, personally), links to pictures of background ponies whom he references by name (which I find baffling; did the author think we wouldn't believe they were ponies from the show without photographic proof?), and in one case, a music link in case anyone was unfamiliar with the concept of musical glasses.  It's my opinion that these kind of links are a distraction from the story, and often break whatever mood or immersion the author is trying to create.  But some folks disagree, and I'm sure they'll like these inclusions very much.  Moving on again.

I've reviewed multiple stories by Pen Stroke previously, and the writing style here is similar to what I've previously observed from him: serviceable, but dull and repetitive, both in word choice ("[Another part of her outfit] usually needed to be put on before the helmet.  Nyx, however, had already put on the helmet and didn't want to waste time taking off her helmet.") and in concept and detail ("He alone wore the flowing, star field cape and the helmet, vestments that only he had the honor of wearing.").  I also noticed a distractingly large number of said-isms throughout; from the number of times ponies "chirped" to one another, you'd think they were birds.  The first two-thirds or so of the story were quite well-edited, but the quality dropped off somewhat after that. From about chapter 13 on, a steadily increasing number of missing words, homonym errors, and similar mistakes are present.

One last note on the writing front: Zecora's speech is painful to read.  Although her lines do consistently conclude with couplets, there's no rhythm whatsoever to her sentences, and no pattern of stressed syllables, no matter how tortured.  Yet my time reviewing has revealed to me that a shockingly large number of writers (and presumably readers) don't seem to notice this, in their own writing or in others'.  Perhaps these people won't notice or won't care how lazy Zecora's writing appears to be, but I think anyone with a sense of rhythm will agree with me that her dialogue is poor at best.

One thing which I had heard about this story was that Nyx was supposed to be cute, either as a result of stellar writing and character creation (from those who loved the stories), or because the fic takes a blatantly manipulative approach to reader emotions (from those who didn't).  So I was a little surprised to discover that the alicorn filly formed from Nightmare Moon evoked no such reaction from me.  Mostly, I just found her tiring and frustrating to read about.

The reason is simple: she reacts with ragged histrionics to every setback, every perceived setback, and every stray thought that's less than 100% positive.  I didn't actually count, but just looking at my notes I can see that I marked more than a dozen passages where Nyx breaks down in tears (or tries desperately to hold back tears, or wails uncontrollably, etc.) in the first half of the story.  From a character standpoint, this isn't exactly unacceptable: Nyx is a child who's been put in a very difficult situation, after all.  To expect her to be perfectly well-adjusted would be silly.  Yet I think the choice to have her go-to reaction to basically all stimuli be crying was a poor one; repetition dulls impact, and within a couple of chapters, reading about her bawling was no longer evoking any sympathy from me as a reader.  I know a few people in real life who treat even the tiniest setback as if it where the end of the world, and who become emotional, even hysterical, over the most trivial things.  I know I'm not alone in finding that such people are exhausting to be around, and I felt the same way reading about Nyx.

Leaving her aside (and leaving aside her changing portrayal in the last half of the story), the other characters were mostly very one-dimensional.  That might not have been a problem in a shorter work; heck, most of the minor characters in the show proper are mono-dimensional.  But when a story stretches nearly 200,000 words, it begins to stick out.  Diamond Tiara plays a prominent role in the story, yet except for one brief scene near the end, she literally does nothing except antagonize Nyx for the sole, apparently sufficient, reason that "she's a bully."  Now, a 5,000 word one-shot in which Diamond Tiara is being a bully doesn't necessarily need to develop her motivations any further.  Even a longer story in which she plays a small role as a bully probably doesn't need to concern itself with fleshing her out.  But when the Nyx/Diamond Tiara dynamic is one of the central foci of the piece, the lack of development becomes an increasingly large weakness.  This same problem existed for many of the characters, though oddly enough not for the main antagonist (who was also one-dimensional, but who had an in-story excuse for his behavior).

But allowing for their shallowness, the ponies are all essentially in-character.  The biggest exception to this was Celestia, but I can't say much more about that without resorting to spoilers.  I'll expand on that in a minute.  Otherwise, all of the ponies were somewhat caracturized, with a single trait or belief of theirs becoming the focal point of their portrayal.  Although this made them feel flat, that's not the same as saying they were OOC.  For the most part, I think Pen Stroke did well in identifying the major drives behind all of his show characters and in expressing those accurately.

The narrative's pacing was without a doubt its strongest point.  The story moves from nation-shattering intrigue to slice-of-life idyll and back over and over, yet these transitions invariably serve the larger narrative.  On those occasions when a new development does stick out in a bad way (as with the monster attacks late in the story), the problem is generally either lack of foreshadowing or incomplete worldbuilding, not tone or pacing.  There are few stories that can convincingly make a transition from Celestia being seconds away from decapitation in one chapter and Trixie providing some hilariously in-character comic relief in the next, but that's exactly what the author accomplished here.  To put it another way: any story in which an insane cult and a pair of schoolyard bullies take turns playing the antagonists, and where neither feel over-the-top or underwhelming compared to the other, has accomplished something worth recognizing.

Returning now to Nyx: once the "little filly" portion of the story was complete, I found her a much more interesting and relatable character.  Unfortunately, I can't think of any way to talk about that later growth without resorting to spoilers.  Also, there are some pretty significant questions that I have about the end of the story, and I promised I'd talk about Celestia a bit more.  If you'd like to read the story without knowing the major twists (if you, like I, have somehow made it this far without finding them out on your own), then take my word for it that there are a few plotholes and unfortunate implications involving the last two, and that the first was a marked improvement.  Otherwise, click the spoiler tag if you want to read more:

Let's start with Celestia: so she comes to Twilight and takes Nyx away, to have a spell cast on her that will reveal whether or not she's Nightmare Moon in disguise (so she thinks).  Am I the only one who doesn't see a problem with this?  There's no indication that the spell will be at all painful or dangerous, Celestia plans to do absolutely nothing if Nyx turns out not to be a threat, and if she is planning to overthrow Equestria, then even Twilight agrees that something needs to be done.  Yet taking her away is treated as a critical moral failing by the Princess (I understand that her actions were slightly different, and less justified, in an earlier version, but I'm going by what I read).  That Twilight would be upset I can buy; it's her "daughter" in question, so it's hardly unbelievable that she'd be irrationally defensive.  I could even accept Celestia beating herself up about it; I could easily see her as the type to blame herself for not "finding a better way," even if there doesn't appear to be one.  But why do Luna and the other ponies all seem to agree that Celestia was in the wrong?  What was she supposed to do, just let Nyx stay where she was and hope for the best?  Celestia neatly lays out to Twilight why that's a bad idea, and I can't find any reason to disagree with her.  Even with the foreknowledge that she's delivering Nyx to the cultists, it still turns into the best possible situation: had Nyx been left alone, the cult planned to kidnap her and finish the ritual, in which case the scenario would have been the same, except that Celestia wouldn't have been forewarned, and might not even have known that Nexus was a traitor.  I just don't see why Celestia's actions are anything other than firm but kind, and the fact that none of the ponies familiar with the situation seem to agree with me is baffling.

On a more positive note, there's Nyx's development once she becomes Nightmare Moon.  The way that traces of Nyx's original personality begin to creep into the Nightmare was gradual enough that it was difficult to notice save in retrospect, and I thought the way she grappled with her dueling inclinations towards both vengeance and mercy were well done.  Although I may have had my problems with the way the monster attack was(n't) set up, it did provide a perfect opportunity to showcase the fusion of Nyx and the Nightmare, now a creature both capable of compassion, and imbued with the courage to act upon it.

As for the ending, let me start with what I consider the less critical of two issues I had: after Nyx surrenders, Luna talks secondhand to a bunch of ponies to find out what they think should be done with her.  Yet these conversations consist solely of a dispute between those who think she should be shown mercy because she's a good pony who made some bad decisions, and those who think that she should be punished because she did make those bad decisions.  Justice is a much more complicated concept than that in the real world, and I don't know why it wouldn't be so in Equestria.  At no point do any of the ponies consider the possibility that correctional action (banishment, imprisonment, community service... there's a lot of options here) might be desirable or even necessary as either a deterrent or, as the phrase "correctional action" implies, as a way to encourage positive behavior.  There's also never any suggestion of examining damages, or of holding Nyx responsible for those (Fluttershy blithely asserts that there was no permanent damage caused by her reign, apparently forgetting both the destruction of Ponyville and the withered crops which, following two weeks without daylight, it was suggested in-story might not be sufficient for everypony to survive the coming winter.  And that's just going by what's stated in-story).  The fact that restitution or rehabilitation weren't even considered paints a very bloodthirsty picture of pony society, one ruled by a simple vengeance/mercy dichotomy rather than governed by the needs of both the individual and of society as a whole.

Then there's the matter of the punishment itself; this was the biggest problem for me.  Luna subsumes almost all of Nyx's energy, reducing her in power and status to a foal.  So far, so good; that power was Luna's by birth in any case, and all it does to Nyx is weaken her and make her smaller.  But then, Luna took all of her memories prior to the last few months.  Horror movies have been built on less stomach-turning premises than being robbed piecemeal of one's own mind.  Luna even leaves intact the memory of her having those memories, so that Nyx will forever know exactly how much she's lost.  Yet to my surprise, this was treated as a happy ending.  Personally, a thousand years of banishment sounds like a lesser price to pay than losing all knowledge of one's past, purpose, and memories.  Even death would be kinder.

Perhaps it was supposed to be a happy ending because the memories Nyx was losing were all of sadness and anger, but I still don't see it.  I have plenty of sad or angry memories, and they're just as important to who I am as the happy ones.  After all the time Nyx spent learning how to be the pony she wanted to be, after she learned how important it was for her to own her actions, to have that all taken away from her... not only was it a horrifyingly cruel fate, but it undermined what I had assumed to be the message of the entire story, that you need not be defined by your past.  Luna shows the lie in that by robbing Nyx of her past so that she can start anew, and frankly, I have no idea what message the reader is supposed to take away from that.  I can tell you this much, though: any moral which justifies the mental destruction of anyone is a moral I have no sympathy for.

One last thing: I believe the version I read was at least partially re-written to accommodate season two; at least, I'd be shocked to discover that Pen Stroke had predicted the inclusion of Tartarus in the MLP universe, among other things.  Still, a number of other details which remain at odds with S2 suggest to me that this is still ongoing work (in any case, I assume the author would announce it when the revisions are complete).

Star rating:  ★★☆☆☆ (what does this mean?)

It's true that there are a lot of things this story does poorly.  The characters are flat, the writing quality is unexceptional at best and below-average towards the end, and I have some serious issues with the ending, and the presentation of the princesses generally (though I did like the assertiveness shown by Pen Stroke's Luna).  But with that said, I can easily see why this story became popular.  Despite being hampered by a protagonist who's really difficult to like in the first half, Past Sins is engaging throughout, and its tone and pacing are superb.  As it goes along, the story asks some important questions about how our history defines us, and what makes us who we are.  And although it seems to me that the conclusions on that front are frighteningly Orwellian, that can't completely invalidate the rest of the story.

Recommendation:  I think a lot of people end up reading this story just to see what all the fuss is about.  Honestly, that's not a terrible reason to read something.  But despite its many weaknesses, this story is more than a mere curiosity.  Anyone who's more interested in pacing and story arc than in deep characterization and quality writing (readers who enjoy what's generally called "shlock sci-fi," for example) will probably find this to their liking.

Next time:  Secret Tub Fun, by Lawnpygmy