In Which Chris Complains About an Episode. A Lot.

A few weeks ago, I said this about A Royal Problem:

Didn't like it. Actually, hated it. Not quite as much as I hated stuff like Bats!, or... actually, it might be my second-least-favorite episode, after Bats! I'd have to think about it, but that would require thinking about it, which I really would rather not do.

Apparently, not many of you were terribly thrilled that I'd mention my opinion without justifying it.  I've gotten comments and e-mails asking me to talk about the episode, multiple times from some people.  I've been had my failure to say more about the episode than "I hated it, I don't wanna talk about it" called "the lazy way out" and "unprofessional."

Well, fine.  Let's talk about A Royal Problem.  Let's go through all the reasons I didn't like it.  If you come here for fanfiction reviews, go ahead and close your browser now, and come back on Friday; otherwise, below the break is a whole bunch of bellyaching.

Let's start with why I didn't initially say more about A Royal Problem than my overall opinion, and why I initially resisted calls to expound.  See, I use this blog for reviewing--critically looking at strengths and weaknessess, weighing how choices might appeal to different readers, that kind of thing.  I focus almost exclusively on fanfiction for a couple of reasons: first, because writing critique is at least kinda-sorta-semi-adjacent to my professional training, which makes me feel like I'm on slightly more comfortable footing trying to come up with meaningful opinions about it (although I never have and never will claim that I have any credentials for what I do, beyond letting my output speak for itself).  Second, and more importantly, because I really like fanfiction; I like writing it, I like reading it, and I like reviewing it.  I like the lack of barrier between reader and audience, I like the way you can trace the organic development and dying off of certain fads, headcanons, and so on, I like how I can read a story that's less than five years old and it feels like I'm unearthing an ancient relic from an age long past.  This is fun to me, and because it's fun, I enjoy putting in the time and effort to... well, to try to do a good job reviewing, and to try to improve with practice.

I don't feel that same way about the show itself, and never have.  That's not to say that I don't like the show, of course!  I got into the fandom by watching the show, not vice-versa, and it still occasionally produces episodes I really love, and regularly produces ones I'm happy to watch.  But I don't feel the same drive to dig deep into the show's artistic/directorial/scripting decisions that I do with creative writing.  I don't feel that for fan art or fan music, either; I enjoy both, sure, but I'm satisfied being a more casual consumer.

So generally speaking, I only comment extensively on episodes half a dozen times a season or so, when one comes along that I have something in particular to say about.  The rest of the time, I'll briefly mention it in an above-the-break blurb, because it seems silly not to acknowledge the show at all (we kinda need it to write fanfiction!  And, you know, interest in the show is nominally what ties the fandom together), but I usually don't have any desire to dig deeper into the analysis.  For me with the show, just like for most readers with fanfiction itself, it's enough to know "that was funny," "this is nice," or "I didn't enjoy that," and then to move on without exploring those feelings more deeply.

But okay, fine.  Let's take a look at the show.  Maybe giving my summary opinion was a mistake, or maybe the way I phrased my "I hated it" sounded too much like "it's objectively the worst and you're wrong if you disagree."  Either way, let's go ahead and unpack it.

For what it's worth, Starlight's not the real problem here.  Sure, I don't like her post-reformation role in the show.  And sure, I think that the idea that somepony who still apparently still uses mindrape as a first resort for dealing with trivial annoyances has such a keen grasp on friendship that she, unlike those incompetent main six, doesn't even need a plus-one on a Friendship Map Quest is laughable.  But I've felt that way about a lot of episodes since the main six added their Cousin Oliver, and still managed the feel something between grudging toleration and ennui at them.  She's not the reason I hated this episode.

Incidentally, that whole last paragraph?  There's another reason I don't have any real interest in trying my hand at episode reviewing, rather than the "occasionally list some random thoughts about an episode I had an unusual number of random thoughts about" format.  If every episode with Starlight Glimmer in it is going to be dragged down by the nonsense way she became Twilight's personal student and how everyone loves her yet hates ponies who have pulled literally a fraction of her BS and have expressed greater contrition to boot (to be fair, I can certainly conceive of episodes that don't rub either of those facts in your face... but the show sure loves bringing one or both facts up every single time Starlight is a main character in an episode), does it do me or anyone else any good to repeat the same criticisms over and over, ad nauseum?  On the other hand, is it a useful review if I just stop writing the same complaints after the dozenth time the show does this?  I don't know what kind of balance to strike, and unlike with breaking down writing, it's not something I take particular pleasure in trying to puzzle out.  It just feels draining, debating whether or not it's worth mentioning the same problem, over and over, without it having any effect.

And that's a thing, too: with my reviews, I'm trying to help someone decide whether or not to read a story, so talking about its strengths and weaknesses matters.  It's there to help someone, even if it's helping them with something as minor as "should I read this ponyfic?," and even if plenty of a review's readers might either have no interest in adding to their RiL list in the first place, or have already read the review in any case.  There's at least a potential for what I'm doing there to be useful.  But with an episode review?  Who does that help?  It doesn't help the show; the writers aren't reading my critiques.  It doesn't help the audience; nobody who's watched six and a half seasons of MLP is going to skip an episode because Chris didn't like it, and nobody who doesn't watch the show is going to pick up one random S7 episode because he did.  It's just howling at the moon, really.  There's some conversational value in talking about the episodes, some sense of community that comes of comparing what others thought with what you did; I used to enjoy reading a few people's blogs on them, before this season (not because the blogs got bad or anything, but because with the messed-up release dates, all those blogs were old news by the time I actually watched the episodes, and without any sense of community, I didn't feel a need to go archive-hunting for what PresentPerfect said about this-or-that episode a month ago), and that's a big part of why I say anything about the episodes.  I assume--actually, I know--that some people really enjoy seeing if they and I are on the same page about the latest episode.  But that doesn't require a detailed analysis.

But I'm rambling.  Okay.  I don't like Starlight, and I didn't like her in this episode, but it's not that the episode was ruined by her; it was an episode I hated that also happened to be a Starlight episode.  And the reason why I hated it was because of the royal sisters.

Let's start with the infantilization of Celestia and Luna.  From the very beginning, they've been presented as three things: ancient, powerful, and sisters.  I used to be a big fan of the "small-g gods" school of princessing, but the show clearly established it wasn't going that direction.  No problem, things like "can a regular unicorns be more powerful than the alicorns?" or "are they actually immortal, or just really long-lived?" are ripe for fan exploration, but those kinds of specifics aren't essential elements of how they're presented in the show.  The three watchwords, though, are ancient, powerful, and sisters.

"Ancient" carries some basic behavioral requirements.  You don't have to be smart; even old people can be dumb.  You don't have to be empathetic; even old people can be emotionally obtuse.  You don't even have to be self-aware; even old people can be totally wrapped up in themselves.  But you do have to demonstrate some minimum level of worldliness; for Celestia at least (depending on your interpretation of both the nature of NMM's banishment and how old she was when it happened, a fan could plausibly argue that she's "really" still relatively young), total behavioral naivete is just ridiculous.  The only thing more ridiculous, honestly, is the idea that a pony who's so stunted that this is the level she operates at after over a thousand years (minimum!) would be enthusiastically accepted as the head of state--a position which, we've seen in the show, is definitely not just ceremonial.

So we get a Celestia who's too dumb to figure out why her sister's mad (I don't suppose she could've, you know, asked sompony? Surely not all the castle staff can be as blind as she is), who's to dumb to figure out that her being mad is even a problem without Starlight there to drag it in front of her face, and who's totally incapable of defusing an elementary school-level spat.  I mean, fine, the show's for kids, but do you know which two ponies would have been better suited to deliver this particular version of the "learn to appreciate your friend/family" message?  All of them.  Literally all the ponies in Equestria!  Because to the best of our knowledge, none of those ponies have at least a millennium of diplomatic experience under their belts, yet feel that shouting "NO YOU" when someone says they feel disrespected is totally a good idea.

But!, you say!  What about watchword number three?  Ah yes: sisters.  Sisters do fight, after all.  Sisters push each other's buttons.  Heck, sisters can drive each other crazy (see: Moon, Nightmare)!  But that's the funny thing here: they aren't really pressing each other's buttons.  They're getting into a ridiculous spat over something that neither of them seems terribly invested in, outside of this particular episode (think: has anything Celestia's said or done for the past seven seasons suggested that she's someone who enjoys playing the martyr?  Hasn't Luna's whole post-Nightmare Night thing been that she's strong (albeit brittle), and not the old Sad/Emo Luna of yore?).  This isn't them picking a fight; they don't bring up old grudges, or shift to perceived slights.  They legitimately don't seem to be able to pick up on basic nonverbal cues from each other, with is basically the opposite of what sisters can (and do, whether in the name of friendship or antipathy) do.

Oh, and of course Starlight decides to use some non-consensual mind destiny-rape to fix things.  Look, I know I said she wasn't the reason that I hated this episode, but let's be fair, it's not like she was helping my enjoyment.  This actually doesn't bother me in terms of watchword number two--the sisters may be powerful, but we know that Starlight is too, and that cutie mark magic is something she's got plenty of experience with.  But don't worry, we get to "power" right after that.

See, power isn't just about raw magical potential.  There's also your importance, your influence, your role in society.  The U.S. president isn't powerful because he can bench press the Lincoln Memorial, he's strong because he's in charge of the armed forces and one-third of the governmental triumvirate of the Greatest Country On Earth™.  Likewise, we know that Celestia is powerful not just in a magical sense, but in terms of her importance in pony society, and her role in Equestria's rulership.  We likewise know that Luna is her equal since her return in both respects (at least nominally; whether actually or not is unclear).  

So of course, it turns out that Celestia's job is to smile all day.  Literally, just smile.  Not make any plans, not negotiate, not arbitrate, not even open her mouth; just smile.  Oh, an listen to other people talk without getting angry.  Sure, Luna screws up to show just how hard it is, but do you know who else has to smile all day?  Wal-Mart greeters.  You know who else has to listen to people talk all day without getting angry?  Customer service representatives.  Now, I'm not out to denigrate either of those groups, but let's not pretend that these represent Positions of Great Power.  Let's not pretend that these are jobs so unspeakably hard that no ordinary person could possibly appreciate their unique difficulties.  They're jobs, and they have their challenges... but they're not something you get defensive about.

But, besides raising the Sun, that's Celestia's whole schtick.  I guess.  And it's clearly a lot tougher than Luna's job, because Luna is just shocked by how difficult it is to spend all day keeping up appearances.

To be fair, Luna's job is even easier, it turns out; she has to raise the moon and... visit dreams?  I want to say that this sounds like a really challenging job, to fend off nightmares and to guide kids like Applebloom to good decisions, but from what we see, the totality of the job is "as long as you don't forget that it's a dream and that that apparition can't really hurt you, and your alicorn magic will make all the problems vanish."  Celestia is literally incapable of this task, of course.

But to be fair, the whole dream scenario makes no sense.  Why does Starlight dream about Celestia going EVIL?  Is this really her deep-seated anxiety, that if Celestia gets annoyed enough with her sister she'll pull a reverse-NMM?  To be fair, Luna turned evil after ponies "scorned her beautiful night," but I think there was some implication that that was more than just a "sister thinks her job is harder than mine" situation.  It's a good thing that her job is so inconsequential, then; at least she'll be easy to replace.  

But no, it's apparently Celestia's dream, somehow, because Evilestia somehow knows exactly what Celestia's emotional flaws and personal weaknesses are.  Unless we're supposed to think that Starlight used some non-consensual mind-magic on the princesses earlier to discover their deepest fears about themselves?  And the fact that this seems plausible to me is just one part of why I hate the episode!

Then Luna shows up, and explains that Starlight's psyche will be permanently damaged if Celestia doesn't hurry up and use her dream magic.  Why?  Who knows.  I mean, I can think of some psychologically scarring dreams, I suppose.  Heck, the show came up with a pretty decent one, with Apple Bloom dreaming about her fears and Luna guiding her through it!  But the thing is, that was a dream about Apple Bloom's insecurities, and her learning how to confront them; Starlight's dream is an entirely external fear.  Imagine this scenario: Starlight's nightmare isn't interrupted, she wakes up in a cold sweat the next morning, and when she rushes downstairs, Celestia and Luna are tearfully making up after having walked a mile in one another's horseshoes.  How is this "permanently damaging" her, again?  Why is this bad dream about something that, literally the next day, she's going to see resolve itself, going to forever scar her?  Whatever, not important.  What matters is more awesome alicorn magic!

"Alicorn magic," of course, means "lasers."  A fire laser, from Evilestia, obviously.  That probably shouldn't bother me so much, but it's just the icing on the cake at that point.  I am so tired of the show putting "magic laser fight!" ahead of actual development.  It's a pity that that fight, every single second of it, was so thematically crucial that there was no time left to explain why it mattered to Starlight's psyche's health if Celestia broke up the nightmare early, or why Evilestia seemed to be Celestia's dream, or how Luna got there in the first place if Celestia's hogging the dream magic.  But no, magic lasers.

The end.

So there you go: that's why I don't like A Royal Problem.  Feel free to go down to the comments and discuss why some or all of my complaints are addressed in the show, or are just my biases getting in the way of understanding what I'm seeing, or how I'm missing the point that it's a children's show and is constrained by that fact, or whatever.  I'm not being sarcastic when I say that; this wasn't some brilliant analysis, and it probably deserves to be torn down.  That's why I didn't write something like this three weeks ago; it's ultimately just me complaining about things I don't like.  It's my reactions, and it's my opinions, without even a "well-considered" or "even-handed" or "intelligent" to preface it.  It's not particularly insightful, I can't imagine it helping anyone, and let's be honest, it probably doesn't reflect all that well on me.  Heck, I didn't even enjoy writing it.  I don't like being angry or disappointed, and I really don't like telling someone who loves something (by all accounts, most fans loved this episode) that I think their shiny new toy sucks.  I'd much rather spend time telling people what toys they might or might not want to buy, instead of being the arbiter of whether people are having the right kind of fun or not.

If you read this far, I hope you at least liked this post, because it wasn't fun to write.  Or if nothing else, maybe this sheds a little light on why I don't post in-depth reactions to every episode.